A Person Who Exists

Part 3

“What is the most important thing to me right now?”
That question was in my head back in April. I was working a job that I enjoyed, but it was going downhill due to the lack of customers, so it definitely wasn’t my job. I was working out and even managed to hit a PR, but at the end of the day, I was just trying to look good for the summer. I guess it wasn’t fitness either. And that was my primary hobby. So, what really mattered to me at the time?
Fun. Fun was what mattered, or at least, being “happy.” I fondly remember that at this point, things were looking up for me, and I guess my having moved on by now must have played a huge part in it. I was back to enjoying life again, or at least, I was enjoying it for real for the first time. I knew that I didn’t need anyone to make me happy. I could create my happiness. I know all this bullshit about it being a choice, blah blah blah, whatever. No matter how much I enjoyed all the fun aspects of my life at the time, it didn’t change the fact that there is a certain kind of happiness you can only achieve with other people. That was the issue.
Things were going swimmingly with Ivy. She and I were talking late into the night. I was picking up fewer shifts at work. After all, I wasn’t going to bust my ass for nothing. Too many things changed there, and I was giving less and less of a shit. It wasn’t the same place it was when I started working there. What did all this mean? It meant that I had more time to spend in my head bullshitting, even at work. At the back of my mind, the eventual decision I would have to make was still there, though. Nora or Ivy, one was already creeping her way into my heart, while the other was just there because maybe, I truly felt like I could be good for her. Or not, I don’t even remember my exact internal thought process at this point. But all I could say was that at this time, two very important songs were constantly being played in my room. Lana Del Rey’s “Let The Light In” and Cigarettes After Sex’s “Cry.”
What role would these two songs play in our tale, dear reader? Well, both songs perfectly encapsulated my feelings towards the matters of my heart at the time. “Let The Light In” is a song about two people having a relationship that they have to hide, mirroring my own need to hide my relationships, or at least, my interests somewhat. After all, both of them could not find out about the other under any circumstances.
“Cry” however, was a lot more self-explanatory. It’s about a person who knows he’s not affectionate enough to his partner and feels like he’s hurting her because he’s not what she wants him to be. He knows he won’t be able to be faithful, and will just hurt her and make her cry in the end. Foreshadowing.
So what was next for the confused protagonist of this tale, perhaps? Well, he was ready to go. Go see his friend, go see Ivy, go see Nora, and have an adventure.

~Frank, April 4, 2025